October 31, 2008

Don't Worry, Baby...

... everything will work out all right.

I worry all the time. Really, I'm an expert. I say that I spin, because that sounds sort of lovely. But mostly, I worry. I worry if I say X, what will people think? If I do Y, what will people say? I worry nearly all of my waking hours in one form or another—and often my waking hours occur when other people are sleeping. When normal people are sleeping.

Like what? You say. Like when I asked up front for a freelance gig if I was going to get credit, and my contact said she was met with "stony silence." So I worried. I worried I'd said the wrong thing. Asked for too much. When honestly, the question was valid. Things like that happen to me all the time.

But guess what?
I'm going to stop.
Yep. Just like that. Cold Turkey.

I've done it before. Not stopped worrying. But stopped. On a dime. I had an eating disorder for nearly seven years. From Christmas Day, 1985 until August 4, 1992. And one day, I decided that I'd had enough of being cruel to myself. Enough self-abusing to last a life time. So I stopped.

It's not easy. I know that. But I've gotten to a point where I don't care. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of second-guessing all of my instincts. I'm tired. But you know what? It's a good tired right now. I swear to god. It's a relief.

Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.



Nikki Magennis said...

Oh, god, Alison. I hear you.

I never used to care. But in the past few years I seem to have become paranoid to the point of absurdity. It's like being a teenager all over again, only my ass is not as shapely this time round. I think it's just overthinking.

Anyway, I'm happy you've made your Hallowe'en resolution, and hope it goes well. In Scottish - 'dinnae fash yersel, quine!' x

Heidi Champa said...

I hear you, about all of it. I'm right there with you, even as I'm writing this I'm worrying. I seem to be stuck in a "spin" of my own.

Happy Halloween. Maybe some candy will help take the edge off.

Smut Girl said...

human is the only animal that second guesses its instinct. the only one. if a woman gets a bad feeling she will tell herself that she is being paranoid and walk into a dangerous situation. a man will 'man up' and walk into a bad scene. a gazelle...a gazelle just runs the fuck away.

follow your instincts. and don't apologize for it.

and ditto on the eating disorder. Setember 10, 1984 to October 31, 1989. good for you. good for me.

life is too short to analzye every little thing. i am reminding myself of that every day. okay. i lied. every hour. i lied again. every minute. but it's getting easier. that's the good news.

Angell said...

One of the best people in the world that I've ever known, Ruth (RIP baby), told me once I wasn't happy unless I was worrying about someone or something.

Could be true.

Good luck hon. And we won't worry about you...not a bit....

*starts chewing her nails again*

EllaRegina said...

I'm with all of you, BIGTIME, and it is taking great tolls on my health.

When you figure out how to stop please let me know.

Cold turkey isn't working here.

I'm so worn out by it all.

Anonymous said...

Alison, one of your many quiet followers sending you her love. You're wonderful Alison. You've changed my life. I am so much happier since I found you. I'm so happy you're not going to hurt yourself any more. Me either.
You're generous and kind and an adorable human being. A stranger's love to you - just so you know.
kirsten xxx.