May 06, 2009

You Don't Have to ❤ Me...

... you can only like me as a friend. (God, I bow down and worship Snorg Tees. I really, fucking do.) So I have to tell you this. A kiss is still a... No, that's not what I wanted to say. I wanted to say that I used you. I did. I used all of you. How? Well, I hadn't actually told all that many people about Sam. In fact, I had told nobody face to face. Not a single solitary living and breathing person. So I used you as practice. I stood up here yesterday and just fucking bawled in front of you—and you were all so damn nice. And cool. And calm. And rational. And sweet. And gentle. And you (and by you, I mean cerulean, specifically) actually brought tears to Sam's eyes when I read him some of what you wrote.

So today, I told a few of the people I see in the real world every day. The ones who live outside of the box on my desk. The ones I've been ducking away from, avoiding in every possible way. It fucking sucks to tell anyone bad news. You know? I mean, they say, "Hey, how you doin'?" and you, by nature of politeness, are supposed to say, "Great, how's everything with you?"

When you don't do that, the world stops.
A big crack appears in the sidewalk.
And you get swallowed up whole.

Actually, that's what I *thought* would happen. But I told two people today. And—hello! I'm still standing here. The ground did not devour me in a single bite. The people I told did not treat me as if I had cooties.

So, like I was saying, you don't have to ❤ me.
But I fucking ❤ all of you.

Ta. Ta very fucking much.


P.S. Swearing helps.


Erobintica said...


Holy fuck woman, you'd told nobody in the real world???? Massive hugs. (and yes, swearing always helps)

Every time someone rags on cyberspace I get kinda twitchy - because it isn't "real" in their minds. It is real. And it was invented just in time, imho, we're getting too big and this makes us small again.

And I'll say this to cerulean - I'm so damn glad we met! Thank you Randy.

Alison Tyler said...

I think we're all real, too.
I just pinched myself. And I felt pretty real. :)


Marina said...

Damn, Alison, I've been through a bit of this myself, and it just kinda hit me hard yesterday, such that I couldn't even think of a way to post a comment. Which makes me feel like a jerk - - -

But, I do know that "in the flesh" people are important - the ones you can actually touch, the ones that will hold your hand, or talk on the phone, or give you a shoulder to cry on or celebrate good news with you. I agree with Robin - cyber-friends are absolutely real, too - but there are times when warm skin or a live voice are important. I'm glad you're letting people know. All people - in the flesh people or cyber people - are generally really nice and want to be helpful and supportive.

We all ❤ you and are thinking good thoughts for both of you.

ste said...

I had difficulty with handling the "Hey, how you doin'?" question when someone in my family got similar news last year. It can be hard.

Once again, fingers crossed for you both.

Smut Girl said...

stupid cracking sidewalks. i know that sucks. congrats on your big brave balls. that sounded wrong. nevermind. you know what i mean. ;)

p.s. lots of hot monkey sex helps, too, yes?

P.S. Haven said...

Big balls indeed. Some of the biggest around. I don't bestow this on too many people/things, because in my mind it's the highest title one can aspire to. But you are a true badass.

neve black said...

We (heart) you too and Sam too. :-)

cerulean said...

Well, back at you, Robin. I don't get freaked out about fate anymore. I just enjoy the results.


Alison Tyler said...

Thanks everyone — and look, cerulean, I found a button!


cerulean said...

That button is so freakin' cool on so many levels, Alison. I think I have a PayPal credit--I may have to do a little shopping later in the week.


jothemama said...

❤ ❤
❤ ❤ ❤❤

Cora Zane said...

Wow, Alison. I breeze by here every day - usually more than once - and somehow I missed the news. I have no excuse.

Many positive vibes sent Sam's way and yours. Live and love, ok? Nothing else matters.

Big hugs.

Alison Tyler said...

You're all fabulous. Thanks so much. Thanks for real.