October 06, 2011
You gotta hold on...
This is the new thing they do. You call and are put on hold immediately. Forever. For so long you can't remember what your life was like before you were on hold. When an operator finally picks up on the other end, said person asks, “May I put you on hold?” Of course, the operator puts you on hold without waiting for your response, but my response sounds something like: NOOOOOOOOOO. YOU FUCK HEAD, YOU CAN’T PUT ME ON HOLD. YOU ALREADY HAD ME ON HOLD. I DO NOT WANT TO BE ON HOLD AGAIN. JEEEEEEESUS. DON’T PUT ME ON HOLD. DON’T DO IT! DON’T DO IT! DON’T….
By then, they’re back. But I think the “Can I put you on hold?” timing is used to activate the recorder. I’m hoping that’s the order of events. Otherwise, they’ve got multiple recordings of me going: NOOOOOOOOOO. YOU FUCK HEAD, YOU CAN’T PUT ME ON HOLD. YOU ALREADY HAD ME ON HOLD. I DO NOT WANT TO BE ON HOLD AGAIN. JEEEEEEESUS. DON’T PUT ME ON HOLD. DON’T DO IT! DON’T DO IT! DON’T….
In any case, I held my place and tongue yesterday until finally speaking with Laura, who (with a giggle in her voice) told me that her supervisor had spent all day researching our situation, and guess what? He couldn’t figure it out, either. No, really. That is the upshot of the hospital bill saga. Why is our amount owed going up? Nobody knows.
What’s the solution?
You’ll like this. Don’t do anything. Wait for the next statement to arrive. If the number continues to go up, then call back.
Honestly. I am not making this up. My balances owed have gone up for no reason at all. We have not incurred new fees. We have not visited any hospitals. (Knock wood, throw salt.) And yet, one balance increased by the exact amount that we’d paid and the other increased by ten times that amount.
I thought there would be something else offered. Like, sacrifice a goat, and we’ll clear up the problem. Or sign your soul over to this nice man in red with the cute little horns and spiked tail. But no. Wait and see. And then call us back.
We’ll put you on hold. You’ll like it there.