October 06, 2011

You gotta hold on...

This is the new thing they do. You call and are put on hold immediately. Forever. For so long you can't remember what your life was like before you were on hold. When an operator finally picks up on the other end, said person asks, “May I put you on hold?” Of course, the operator puts you on hold without waiting for your response, but my response sounds something like: NOOOOOOOOOO. YOU FUCK HEAD, YOU CAN’T PUT ME ON HOLD. YOU ALREADY HAD ME ON HOLD. I DO NOT WANT TO BE ON HOLD AGAIN. JEEEEEEESUS. DON’T PUT ME ON HOLD. DON’T DO IT! DON’T DO IT! DON’T….

By then, they’re back. But I think the “Can I put you on hold?” timing is used to activate the recorder. I’m hoping that’s the order of events. Otherwise, they’ve got multiple recordings of me going: NOOOOOOOOOO. YOU FUCK HEAD, YOU CAN’T PUT ME ON HOLD. YOU ALREADY HAD ME ON HOLD. I DO NOT WANT TO BE ON HOLD AGAIN. JEEEEEEESUS. DON’T PUT ME ON HOLD. DON’T DO IT! DON’T DO IT! DON’T….

In any case, I held my place and tongue yesterday until finally speaking with Laura, who (with a giggle in her voice) told me that her supervisor had spent all day researching our situation, and guess what? He couldn’t figure it out, either. No, really. That is the upshot of the hospital bill saga. Why is our amount owed going up? Nobody knows.

What’s the solution?

You’ll like this. Don’t do anything. Wait for the next statement to arrive. If the number continues to go up, then call back.

Honestly. I am not making this up. My balances owed have gone up for no reason at all. We have not incurred new fees. We have not visited any hospitals. (Knock wood, throw salt.) And yet, one balance increased by the exact amount that we’d paid and the other increased by ten times that amount.

I thought there would be something else offered. Like, sacrifice a goat, and we’ll clear up the problem. Or sign your soul over to this nice man in red with the cute little horns and spiked tail. But no. Wait and see. And then call us back.

We’ll put you on hold. You’ll like it there.



Jo said...

They don't know what to do?? Why can't they just decrease the fucking amounts again? FUCKHEADS.

Perhaps you should quit the country and leave your bills behind you.

Evelyn Applegate said...

Argh! If they know you haven't accrued any new fees you'd think they could just, you know, FIX IT! Here's hoping it magically sorts itself out by your next statement.

That's a beautiful song. I love me some Tom Waits.

Cora Zane said...

OMG. It's a hospital epidemic, I think. I keep getting charged over and over for the same bill at our local hospital. I even paid the darn thing in person. Doesn't matter, every month a new bill.

I went in with a sinus infection about a week ago, and at the reception window when I went to leave, I asked the nurse to look at my FULL BALANCE. I explained the situation of the reappearing debt, and she went into the hospital computer and said "You don't have one".

That's right. No balance on my account. It's been paid. And yet, here I am holding a stack of bills from the hospital swearing I owe them from this one visit.

You know what she told me? LOL - Don't do anything until next month and we'll see what happens. Sound familiar?

The hospital computers must be sentient or something since the hospital staff are always waiting to see what the machines do first.

Miz Angell said...

Yeah - gotta love that hold thing. Personally I like to annoy anyone who might be listening by singing the most annoying ditty I can think of at the time.

Because I'm sure someone is listening - they're ALWAYS listening.

As for the bills, if you can wait for a reason, they can wait for payment. Simple as that.