August 10, 2012

"Fair Deceiver..."

“Fair Deceiver: I did not know until last night that you had a glass eye. Woman you have deceived me and our engagement is off! If I had married you, perhaps I would have found out that you had a cork leg, wore a wig and chewed your gum with false teeth — Anyway, I don’t think you could boil water without burning it. I want a girl that can do several things besides rubbing lip rouge on my cheek. Chase around girlie and get another guy.”

I almost have it memorized. What is *it*? A vintage notecard found by artist Cindy Sherman. A break-up card from a century ago.

Why my obsession? No idea. But I've been carrying the ragged article around for months now, and I've been known to lean in close to a friend and whisper, "Fair Deceiver... I did not know until last night that you had a glass eye..." You should see the looks I get.

Shy of 100 words, this bit of...of...poetic gibberish thrills me to my fucking core.

You didn't see the punch line in the opening sentence coming, did you? Be honest. If we were playing Mad Libs, "glass eye" would *not* have been the noun you'd have chosen to fill in the blank.

"Woman you have deceived me..." (Oh, come now, does this not sound like a line from Zeppelin? You can hear Robert Plant wailing.)

"...and our engagement is off!" (Perfect use of an !)

"Anyway, I don't think you could boil water without burning it." (Just a tiny bitch slap of an insult. Kick her in the cork leg while she's down, why don't ya? Love the "anyway" for some reason.)

Check out the different ways he addresses her: Fair Deceiver. Woman. Girlie.

And how he describes her, which basically is a gum-chewing man-chser who smears lipstick on a beau's cheek. (And perhaps elsewhere.)

Oh, yes. I am in love. Best. Good-bye letter. Ever.


P.S. Wait. Was there some business I was supposed to get done today, as well? No updates yet, my pretties, on the short-short book. News soon on the bondage pieces. And... more to come.

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