October 28, 2015

The Neon in Me

In my head, I'm made of neon. Plug me in. I want to light up the night. My goal is to put out the most beautiful words I can find in the mines of my mind. And I want to do no harm.

The thing is—this is a constant choice. This is a decision I make over and over. Every day is new. Every interaction is fresh. I believe the desire in humans to tell their side of a story—to clear the air, to put things straight—is hardwired into us.

Even when the most positive decision is to let things go.

But there's this balance between turning the other cheek and letting people punch you in the face. And I guess that's where I've been caught lately. I repeat to myself: "Let it go, move on, evolve." Or in a more harsh tone: "Leave. It." But that doesn't mean I have no feelings or emotions. That doesn't mean this way of thinking isn't basically a continuous struggle.

Example: In the wee hours of this morning, I attempted to write a piece on the brutal concept of business vs. personal. "Don't take things personally, this is only business." Maybe it's because my business is words and my words are my life that the lines get blurry. The piece devolved into an epic rant, and so I've filed my article for another day. A clear-headed day.

A day, I hope, in the future.

I don't believe you expect me to be whole or complete. I think you understand that if I was the problem, and you solved for X, you might get an imaginary number.

So all I can do—all I can expect from myself—is to try. I am a work in progress. "Perfection is unattainable." (This is one of my favorite quotes from Tin Cup.) What don't I want? I don't want to be petty. I don't want to waste my time. I don't want to worry about what other people think of me. I don't want to sink to a new low.

What do I want?

I want to write the right words. The ones whispering in my head like the crazy rush of a desperate river.

I want to support my family and my friends. To have the fucking balls to stand up for them. To be there when they need me. With whatever they need: silver goblets, fire, fresh supplies, mercenaries.

I want to be brave.

Will I fail? All the fucking time, apparently.
Will I give up? No. Fucking. Way.



Nicholas ecri said...

Being there when friends and family need you is all very well but remember yourself. You have needs and wants also and dammit, you deserve them don't you.

Alison Tyler said...

This is true. I have to remember that, as well.

Thank you.